26th February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(734): I don’t care if we’re married you can’t just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid

25th February 2014 17:01
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24th February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(415): You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out “Virgin Sacrifice!!” and then throw me into a circle of men.

23rd February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(919): Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?

22nd February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

21st February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(609): There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day

20th February 2014 17:01
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texts from washington

(+81): When you’re really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.

9th January 2013 17:02
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texts from washington

(304): Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant “Ride! Jon! Home!” to get a girl in bed.

1st November 2012 14:11
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texts from washington

(610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say “Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division”
22nd October 2012 0:21
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texts from washington

(358): I don’t think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.