texts from washington

(610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say “Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division”

texts from washington

(616): Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

texts from washington

(724): The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

texts from washington

(650): Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.

Credits to Amy

texts from washington

(310): You peed on someone’s house because they had a Wisconsin flag.

texts from washington

(856): I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.

texts from washington

(612): She asked if I wanted to “Mormon motorboat” her, which I guess is just motorboating her through her clothes. Turns out I did.

texts from washington

(508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

texts from washington

(212): That man gives me hope. I can’t help it. And by “hope” I mean “wood.”

texts from washington

(832): god. I was just thinking about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn’t drink.