texts from washington

(610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say “Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division”

texts from washington

(724): The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

texts from washington

(530): Dude, he’s legal now. You could not pry me away from his dick with the jaws of life.

texts from washington

(212): That man gives me hope. I can’t help it. And by “hope” I mean “wood.”

texts from washington

(302): Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan’s speech?

texts from washington

(973): We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.

texts from washington

(917): omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): wait, who’s paul?

(917): exactly.

texts from washington

(401): Definitely just said “no homo” to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory…our service has steadily declined since.

texts from washington

(330): OMG HIS EYES ARE POOL OF SEX. HOT SEX.

texts from washington

(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.